Teen Son Wants to Move(Opinions)

Mom on the forum is seeking advice: "My son will be 16 in Feb and has lived with me his whole life, his father lives 2000 miles away from us and has had your typical visitation over the years (summers holidays). My son is in his sophomore yr of High School now and has gone to school here for all but 1.5 yrs of elementary school. A few days ago he asked me if he could go live with his father for his Jr and Sr. year of High School...I feel like my heart got ripped out but understand his reasons for wanting to move there. However, I really feel that moving at this point in high school is a huge mistake, he will have to not only figure out where he fits in with school but also in the family. He has other siblings there, I never had anymore children so it is just my son, me and my husband. What should I do?"

Denise's thoughts: I think you should talk more about it with him, respecting his thoughts on the matter. If his reasoning is sound and the only reason you don't want him to move is that you will miss him - which is valid! - maybe you can try it for a year and see how it goes?

Either way, both of you making a pros and cons list of what the move would mean and then take time to talk before you make a decision is probably your best course of action.

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Did these parents over-punish their teen?

A mom on our forum is seeking advice: I really need some perspective here. We have a 13-year-old son who is generally a really good kid--star forward on his soccer team, 3.6 gpa. He and my husband have been in a bit of a power struggle ever since he (my son) hit puberty. I am definitely the "softy" parent. Last month my son told a lie about using his computer during the day when he'd been told not to. He has lied in the past but always little things, such as finding cash around the house and pocketing it instead of leaving it alone. My husband's punishment for the lie was no computer for 2 months and no texting for 4 months. We live in a very isolated area, and my son's texting has been his lifeline to his friends when he's not at school. I went along with the punishment because I felt I was being forced to choose between my husband and my son, and I wanted to put up a united parenting front--but now I am wracked with guilt that the punishment was way too extreme. Please help me know whether I did the right thing, and what a more appropriate response could have been.

Denise's thoughts: I think what your husband chose to take away from him was good, but the timing is long. The thing about punishment when it's too long, it loses it's effectiveness as a deterrent from bad behavior and becomes a catalyst of bad feelings within the family instead. The feelings of guilt you're having, for instance.

I have some resources for discipline, but I want to point out that power struggles never lead to good things. Maybe when your teen is out you and your husband can talk about how to handle disciplining your teen before there is a problem and it becomes emotional and escalates. As for what you do now with your teen, I think you should fall back and regroup.

"Happy Birth day My Son" a Mom's Story

I started planning for my daughter’s first birthday party when she was about six months old. I started with Internet searches for girlie themes and ideas and then poured over craft books and magazines for more inspiration. At the time, I was feeling pretty ambitious and even thought about what sort of cake I would bake and how it would be decorated. I consulted friends to see what types of parties they had for their kids or what kind of parties they were planning to have.

What I found was a wide range of ideas of what a first birthday party should be. I had one friend who wanted it to be family only, at home, with a simple cake and just a few presents. Then I met a woman at a Kroger who told me she had a carnival themed party for her one-year-old, complete with pony rides, a popcorn machine, and clowns. The carnival idea was cute, but way out of our budget. Not to mention that my daughter and her friends were at an age where clowns would’ve terrified and popcorn would’ve choked them.

So I decided I would try to fall somewhere in the middle. I would invite her playgroup friends, but ask them not to bring gifts. I would rent a bubble machine (toddlers are fascinated with bubbles!!) on the cheap from a local DJ, but skip renting any “live” form of entertainment. I still planned to make the cake myself not only to save money, but to make it special for her special day.

I needed a theme. With my daughter’s strawberry blonde hair and my love of all things retro, it was decided that a Strawberry Shortcake theme complete with red and pink everything would be prefect. The idea for her cake was coming together, too. I would just make a round, layered out-of-the-box pink cake with pink canned icing; strawberry flavored. To incorporate the color red I would use red fruit leather and cut out circles for polka dots. I was pleased with my creativity and began scouring local party stores for supplies.

I went to one place where I did a mental tally of just the basics I would need and it added up to nearly $75 dollars. Yikes, I would certainly have to scale back my plans a little so we would be able to afford to buy her a present, too. I have a good friend with a coveted membership to The Flower Factory and she assured me I would find the supplies much cheaper there. The Flower Factory is a wholesale warehouse in Centerville open only to business owners but recently they’ve begun allowing members to bring in up to two guests. Having never been there I’m sure my idea of what was there was a bit lofty. To me it seemed like a mythical shopping Mecca where I would find anything and everything I ever wanted.

It wasn’t quite like that, though I did manage to get my supplies there for $25 dollars. Just four days shy of the party I still had not bought the ingredients for a cake. We had family coming in town for the celebration and I was busy with scrubbing down the bathroom and removing all the cat hair off our furniture before their arrival. So, I decided to give in and order one from a bakery.

Bakeries I’ve encountered tend to have trouble thinking outside the box, and as a result, I never should’ve mentioned my idea for a Strawberry Shortcake themed party. As soon as I did, the girl who was helping me got out a book and showed me picture after picture of different Strawberry Shortcake themed cakes. They seemed a little garish to me, but after a short time I was swayed and we picked the one that came topped with a plastic statue of a Strawberry Shortcake Doll. Defeated, I went home and called my mom.

She was shocked that I hadn’t figured out what my daughter was going to wear to her party. “She only has one first birthday, you have to dress her like a princess.” She said this to me over the phone as I rolled my eyes. My mother had raised four girls and not once do I remember her dressing any of us as princesses. But after the cake selection I had resigned to the fact that I could not control every detail of the party. It wasn’t her wedding, after all. So we headed to the mall where I found a “princess” dress complete with a pink tulle skirt and a birthday cake with the number 1 on it. Done.