READER'S QUESTION
Hey Doc,
I’m an engineer for an aerospace company. I met Monica at a software convention. Our first date was lunch; I kept things light and used some wacky humor. I waited 10 days before calling her again and kept the call to 10 minutes. She wanted to e-mail back and forth “to get to know each other better,” but I laughed that off and said “E-mail is for Star Trek dorks,” which she got a kick out of. I called again a week later and invited her on another date. The date went well: I acted like a gentleman, was well-dressed, and we got to know each other more. She took me golfing (I hate golf but played along), and I pretty much determined that Monica’s character and personality were top-notch and that she was a Flexible Giver.
IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE
Before I drove back home, she confessed that she hadn’t met anyone like me, but that she had a problem that I ought to know about. I sat and listened, but didn’t encourage any breakdowns. She said that she had dated a man, Tom, four years earlier and that she had fallen deeply in love with him, but he had chosen to marry another woman. Then she went on to confess that she didn’t think she could truly love someone else the same way as Tom ever again.
She said she thought that I was irresistibly attractive and “perfect,” but that Tom was somehow “imprinted” on her brain and that she didn’t know how to get rid of the memory, even after therapy. By the way, Monica is no nutcase. She graduated from a top college and comes from a good family.
PLAYING IT COOL
My response was to give her a hug, tell her it was OK and that we were just getting to know each other casually anyway, which was true. Over the next year, we spent more time developing a romantic relationship of sorts, though we never called it that. In fact, we never called it anything, and never talked about it. Maybe I handled this wrong, but there was a strong attraction between us, and I wanted to keep things casual and avoid the subject of Tom and see if she could get over him. Within eight months, her Interest Level seemed to skyrocket as we spent time together, particularly when she found out that I was dating other women (since we never had any commitment).
My problem now is that I want to marry this girl (although I’ve followed your advice and not blabbed anything about loving her desperately), and I also know that she wants to marry me. But I need to know her current feelings about Tom before plunging in. I fear that bringing him up again won’t lead anywhere good. At the same time, I can’t marry Monica without knowing I’m No. 1 in her life. To further complicate matters, what if someday Tom gets divorced and tries to get Monica back?
AM I IN TOO DEEP?
Tell me, where do I go from here? Did I handle this right, or should I have run in the other direction when the subject of Tom came up in the early stages? This girl’s a keeper, but not if she can’t forget the other guy.
DOC LOVE'S RESPONSE
Hi Delmar,
First of all, it’s great that you passed on Monica’s invitation to sit there e-mailing each other. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says: “Playing with a computer when it comes to women is a big waste of time.” Plus, it’s an anti-challenge. Unfortunately, that’s the only thing you did right.
Now let me just get this straight before we go any further. After two dates, you’re swooning over a woman’s character? Dude, you know nothing whatsoever about this woman after two dates. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says: “After spending about seven hours with a babe you have her all figured out? No way, Jose!”
SHE'S NOT AVAILABLE
But let’s move on. When Monica told you that she could never again love a man like she loved Tom, it meant she is not available. That’s what you’re telling me here, Delmar, and more importantly, that’s what Monica was telling you. Monica has the hots for a man who broke her heart. You know what “The System” says about that, right? No ex-boyfriends or ex-husbands lurking in the background. When Monica tells you that Tom is imprinted on her brain and that she can’t forget about him even after she lay on a shrink’s couch for years, that sure sounds like lurking to me. In fact, that’s more than lurking in the background -- Tom is right there in the room with you and Monica! It means that she’s going to be in love with Tom for the rest of her life and that you don’t stand a chance. But at least Monica was being honest. She was right up-front with you and told you that she’s really not on the market.
My friend, you don’t know anything about Monica’s family because you haven’t even met them. Again, you’re jumping to conclusions. And just because she got straight A's at Princeton doesn’t mean she can’t be a nutcase when it comes to romantic love. Remember that Joran van der Sloot went to college, came from a good family and that his father was a top judge in Aruba. What does that tell you?
When you say you were just getting to know each other casually, you’re rationalizing. A romantic relationship “of sorts” means that it’s not a romantic relationship at all. You might have thought there was a strong attraction between you and Monica, but there was a stronger attraction between her and Tom -- which means you’re No. 2, man. Why would you want to be No. 2 to anybody?
SHE'S NOT INTO YOU
Yet, in the face of all this stuff, you still want to marry this girl who’s carrying a torch for someone else. I can definitely tell you haven’t read my book, because if you had, you wouldn’t be making a blunder this huge! And I have news for you, Delmar: You are desperate -- because Monica digs somebody else. And if she wants to marry you, then she’s even nuttier than you are. That’s obvious because she’s in love with someone else and keeps going out with you.
If Tom ever got divorced, you’d better watch out, because Monica would dump you for him in a heartbeat. Tom is No. 1, not you, guy. Do you really want to always live in his shadow?
Where do you go from here? You have to get “The System,” memorize it and forget this girl. She’s a complete waste of time. No, you didn’t handle this thing right -- you handled it horribly. Of course you should have run in the other direction when she told you about Tom, but you didn’t. And like my cousin Rabbi Love says: “She’s not a keeper at all -- she’s already kept by another guy.”
Remember, guys: For a girl to fall in love with you, she has to be available.
To hear my LOVE RADIO SHOW, send me your love questions or to find out more about “The System,” visit me at www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644. For the past 30 years, Doc Love has asked thousands of women: “Why do you stay with one man versus another?”
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